Depression sucks Yeah I used it
as a title too tough shit its true. It does suck. Have you ever experienced depression? I have dealt with it since 16 on and off mainly on. I have had times
where I wanted to kill my self...even tried, kinda like I would scrap a razor over my wrist watch the blood well up....but not deep enough to actually do the
damage... but I considered it. that was my teen years really razors or pills.
See since I was a small child 6 yrs old I have suffered from migraines. and so most my life have had some kinda pill to take one time I remember in first grade for first grade I had an show and share. most kids brought in teddy bears, favorite toy or some what....I had...well I had pamphlets on what a MRI was and showed the bruise from the needle from the IV... fun right? What sucked worst is having my own brothers and family like dad aunts etc tell me I was faking that I wanted attention no one believed a 6 yr old had migraines...Yeah I always have been special this way fitting in by...not fitting in
Once I hit my teens stuff changed....for the worst maybe, I had to watch my younger brother and that made it seem as if I was more mother to him then sister. I could not go out with the friends I made because, hey I had to help out by taking care of him so soon instead of letting my friends walk away I would just...stop...I stopped talking to them in school when I went, not that often mind you if I went...I ditched I stopped doing work in school, stopped trying to be friends with anyone...I did get in fights, threw a desk across the room, and cussed out teachers...I needed help...but no one looked or maybe they just didn't care...so then neither did I. I cried easily.. no reason really ... or maybe because I was braking bit by bit...and had no way or one to help me fix it so...I gave in
I had been drinking since 12, started out beer, then went to vodka, whiskey what ever my older brothers had and would share, with me...for a price of course. What ever money I had went in the... pot then there was...pot...I never did more then that and smoke...just something told me not too. There were many yrs when I stopped drinking as I got older... no reason too any more. But on occasion I have been known to still have one or two.
Maybe having my older brothers and their friends over all the time is the reason I didn't sleep around, I was shy and well....they were annoying and liked to torture me Like one time a boy grabbed my breast when i was 14ish...told my brother he liked the way they felt...to which I kicked him in the nuts and told my brother I liked the way he screamed...I heard how they spoke of women and this too turned me off...all males were gross here was prim example. so I retreated..into books and writing and thoughts of death or my death and how I would do it.
Here my life was I had no control had to play mom to my, brother, had almost no friends, the few I had I got rid of. My brother really the oldest one cause the second oldest lived with my dad, he was the smart one. Any way my oldest brother liked to hit me one time he almost choked me to death for turning off his game when he came in and turned off the tv I was watching...i knew then if i was going to die, I wanted to be in control and not some one killing me. So the thought of death could not be worst then what I was living threw.
There have been times once or twice that I have looked over the lake and thought...while driving mind you how very easy it would be to miss the turn....the road curves around the lake how easy after taking some one to school just to let go let the truck fall under the surface and then be free no more pain or worry no more days where I do not even wish to be up or dressed no more crying no more.....anything. I won't cause my boys...and that includes Scott need me...but there are days I do so wish I just could
No things are not nearly as bad as they were when I was a teen or a kid...but there are days I am still so over whelmed I sit and feel nothing, care about nothing...can not even write...it think the day the words stop for me...on that day I just might do something What I ask is life if you do not feel...something? at least pain anger sadness is still feeling ...to be honest it is getting harder and harder to write and gods know I used to love to write stories.... poems....I used to make them up in my mind could see the people...now there is not so many voices and im left hollow...today is a hallow day
current mood:
blah
See since I was a small child 6 yrs old I have suffered from migraines. and so most my life have had some kinda pill to take one time I remember in first grade for first grade I had an show and share. most kids brought in teddy bears, favorite toy or some what....I had...well I had pamphlets on what a MRI was and showed the bruise from the needle from the IV... fun right? What sucked worst is having my own brothers and family like dad aunts etc tell me I was faking that I wanted attention no one believed a 6 yr old had migraines...Yeah I always have been special this way fitting in by...not fitting in
Once I hit my teens stuff changed....for the worst maybe, I had to watch my younger brother and that made it seem as if I was more mother to him then sister. I could not go out with the friends I made because, hey I had to help out by taking care of him so soon instead of letting my friends walk away I would just...stop...I stopped talking to them in school when I went, not that often mind you if I went...I ditched I stopped doing work in school, stopped trying to be friends with anyone...I did get in fights, threw a desk across the room, and cussed out teachers...I needed help...but no one looked or maybe they just didn't care...so then neither did I. I cried easily.. no reason really ... or maybe because I was braking bit by bit...and had no way or one to help me fix it so...I gave in
I had been drinking since 12, started out beer, then went to vodka, whiskey what ever my older brothers had and would share, with me...for a price of course. What ever money I had went in the... pot then there was...pot...I never did more then that and smoke...just something told me not too. There were many yrs when I stopped drinking as I got older... no reason too any more. But on occasion I have been known to still have one or two.
Maybe having my older brothers and their friends over all the time is the reason I didn't sleep around, I was shy and well....they were annoying and liked to torture me Like one time a boy grabbed my breast when i was 14ish...told my brother he liked the way they felt...to which I kicked him in the nuts and told my brother I liked the way he screamed...I heard how they spoke of women and this too turned me off...all males were gross here was prim example. so I retreated..into books and writing and thoughts of death or my death and how I would do it.
Here my life was I had no control had to play mom to my, brother, had almost no friends, the few I had I got rid of. My brother really the oldest one cause the second oldest lived with my dad, he was the smart one. Any way my oldest brother liked to hit me one time he almost choked me to death for turning off his game when he came in and turned off the tv I was watching...i knew then if i was going to die, I wanted to be in control and not some one killing me. So the thought of death could not be worst then what I was living threw.
There have been times once or twice that I have looked over the lake and thought...while driving mind you how very easy it would be to miss the turn....the road curves around the lake how easy after taking some one to school just to let go let the truck fall under the surface and then be free no more pain or worry no more days where I do not even wish to be up or dressed no more crying no more.....anything. I won't cause my boys...and that includes Scott need me...but there are days I do so wish I just could
No things are not nearly as bad as they were when I was a teen or a kid...but there are days I am still so over whelmed I sit and feel nothing, care about nothing...can not even write...it think the day the words stop for me...on that day I just might do something What I ask is life if you do not feel...something? at least pain anger sadness is still feeling ...to be honest it is getting harder and harder to write and gods know I used to love to write stories.... poems....I used to make them up in my mind could see the people...now there is not so many voices and im left hollow...today is a hallow day
current mood:
blah
Last edited by: Dragonfire 1 02/09/08 22:15:02.
Edited 1 times.
